VOICE TESTING THIS BASTARD

[orderbeforepeace]

 
OPEN to texts, memes, weird AU shit. Just throw it this way

Comments

Choose your poison?

[fameorfolly]

1. We realized tonight that we have to get advice about guys from you because you're our only straight male friend that neither of us has slept with.

2. You went streaking and came back with your shirt inside out. Then said "it happens in the line of duty" and passed out.

3. (misfire) I will never use my dick in anger, with great dick comes great responsibility.

4. (misfire 2) It was a good dick. I'll give credit where credit is due, a good dick deserves praise.

1

[orderbeforepeace]

May I ask why on earth you need my advice in this context? Do I want to know the answer?

[fameorfolly]

Well, I don't know, do you? You're going to have to make up your mind connor

I mean haytham

[I'm not drunk, your drunk.]

[orderbeforepeace]

how much, exactly, have you drunk this time?

[fameorfolly]

It's kind of amusing you always seem to think I keep track.

[orderbeforepeace]

I should never persume you keep track of anything at all Father.

[fameorfolly]

That's not true, i've kept record of a lot of things

[orderbeforepeace]

Please name one that isn't about your genitals.

[fameorfolly]

Don't be dumb, boy. You know I kept plenty of journals.

Your brothers are making a big deal of trying to get ahold of even one.

[orderbeforepeace]

Yes, and so far they have not succeeded. But I do not think it will take them very long to work out that in this place, it isn't just you who has copies.

[fameorfolly]

They can have them. It won't do them any good.

Here, in this place, there may be more than one of my journals in play, but here, those artifacts are no longer where I'd originally recorded them.

You can say a lot about me son, but your Father is and will always be an opportunist and I do what I must to protect what matters.

3

[orderbeforepeace]

Father.

Please never text me again

[fameorfolly]

Dammit Jacob.

Look, be glad I didn't send you a dick pic or something. It could have been worse.

[orderbeforepeace]

For you, certainly. Please stop taking your phone with you when you go drinking

[fameorfolly]

I only really bring it with me on the off-chance I get lost.

or when I get bored, I like to play games on it.

And, c'mon, I'm always drinking, when would I have my phone on me? You need someway to call and berate me.

[orderbeforepeace]

You aren't always, Father. I remember you hardly ever drinking.

I realise you enjoy it, and I am not saying you should stop entirely, but do you not think that it would be better for myself, and Jennifer, and Connor, for you to slow down? For us not to have messages like this in the middle of the night.

Or the middle of the afternoon.

[fameorfolly]

Yes, well, that's when I've settled down with a family, isn't it?

To be fair, I don't think I've texted Jenny while drunk. Look, it ain't as bad as you're making it sound. So I tend to send inappropriate things to you two from time to time. Well... a lot of the time it's a mistake, I just am mixing up names or someone's switched them on me for a laugh.

I'll try not to do it anymore. But I can't promise I'll quit drinking.

[That may be the one thing Jacob is a terrible influence about, drinking.]

[orderbeforepeace]

I do not want it to become a habit you are unable to break.

I realise it is a mistake more often than not, Father. To a degree I appreciate that you are young and carefree. But that does not make it any easier to receive those messages.

No, I did not think you would.

[fameorfolly]

You haven't been around many pirates, bit too late for that, son.

I know, and trust me, I'm going to smack Jacob upside the head when next I see him. Don't you think you and Connor make this into a bigger offense than it need be? You honestly don't get any amusement with it? I mean it's kind of funny.

[orderbeforepeace]

No, by the time I was born you had sworn off the sea and for good reason, I believe.

It may have been slightly less horrific the first time. And perhaps the second. But now we are into double digits, I've completely lost my sense of fun. And Connor is... struggling. This is not who he is. He is very responsible and very serious. Please be mindful of that?

[fameorfolly]

What, it can't be. You're having a laugh

what do you mean he's "struggling"? I mean he's been angry with me a time or two, I can't much blame him, but he don't seem different?

[orderbeforepeace]

I mean father that he is having to hold himself back from stabbing you. I don't think he could be blamed either. You are extremely good at frustrating him.

[fameorfolly]

Oh, that's rich. He wants to stab me? Please. I'm on his bloody side of all things.

Not long ago he was talking about how he couldn't forgive you and now suddenly I'm the one at risk of being stabbed over some minor and ridiculous thing?

you both are taking this way too seriously.

[orderbeforepeace]

I'm afraid father that Connor and I are very serious men. We don't tend to make jokes, more often in fact, we are the butt of them.

I am sorry, I would much rather the pair of you got along, I think Connor would much rather be on good terms with you, as he never got to meet you at all.

I will do all I can to facilitate that, and I will speak to him. He should not get so frustrated but... please consider that he is, for want of a better explanation, very much my son.

[fameorfolly]

Maybe you wouldn't end up the butt if you were more relaxed and could have a bit of a laugh even at yourself.

What really gets me is that he gets so angry over this one stupid thing that he wants to stab me, and it's as if I haven't done anything at all good for him since we met. Which is absolute bollocks, because I've done plenty to be like a father, or a brother, or a friend, or a mentor, or any other kind of word to bond with him.

But a couple of drunk texts and any of that goes out the window?? I mean c'mon. I love him, and I love you, and no matter how bloody frustrating either of you can be, you don't see me threatening to do you harm.

Would you rather I be more of a commanding jackass when I get lip from either of you? Should I box your ears and whoop your arse? I thought the pair of you might appreciate a more light-hearted sort instead of some authority figure. I thought you might like to be able to relax with me and joke around.

Whatever. You both wouldn't like me when I'm being Captain. And if you'd prefer, I'll just keep my distance then. Jaysus, wouldn't be the first time me family didn't want me around. I'm used to it by now. Thought maybe it might be different this time, what I damned fool I was.